I Have Exorcised The Demons!

I can be mean. I can be real mean (TG, say one thing and I will kill you!). But I don't like to be. I feel less than human, out of control even. It is not a good look for me. I am better than that. I am better than him! I don't want to be like "him." Never like him!

I am also one of those people that lets shit simmer and fester...until I can't stand it anymore. Then I let it all go...and let everyone else take cover.

Why do I do this, why operate in this manner?

I see it as giving other people a chance to get their shit together... one more chance to show me they are NOT idiots that they should have been cast off after the first fuck up. I don't ever want it to be said that, "HipChick never gave me a chance!" Oh no! Everyone gets a couple of chances. Meanwhile, I am watching those I give chances to fuck up... again.

Then I have to let go... because of the simmering, festering thing... I can not hold it in, try as I might. I just can't.

"But HipChick, everyone fucks up, even you!"

"I know, I fuck up a lot...and believe me I hate it when I do it just as much as when you do it... no one is spared the wrath...not even me!"

"Lighten up, HipChick!

" Kiss my ass!"

Anyway, when I let go I feel so much better, even though I completely dumped on another person...that fucked up!

I know this post is rambling but I have to say these things.

I have been out of sorts in my personal life. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want out of life and what I want it to be relationships-wise. I thought I had said everything I needed to say but I found I wasn't finished... that I needed to let the person know every detail, every issue, every fucked up comment that I let slide ( can you believe I let some slide?) before I found my heart was truly clear.

After I was done...I felt free! It feels so wonderful not to have to hold it in one more day!

Am I the only one that holds things inside until I can no longer hold them?