Who Are You, Anyway?

I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep...nobody's really seen my million subtleties...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Messages From The Other Side

I've just returned from a very emotionally charged visit with my Aunt D. Me, my mom, my younger brother, 2 cousins, a cousin-in-law- and my uncle were all assembled in her room. She was resting when we arrived and she slowly came to as we began to arrive and stir within the room. As she began to talk, she told me how rough her night had been. She had been in a great deal of pain that seemed to know no end. I could tell she was in in pain as she spoke and it saddened me to see a woman who was vibrant and a hellraiser brought low by this wretched disease.

She wanted to tell everyone about last night. We all listened intently as she slowly recounted the events of the night. She said that she had asked God to take her... that she was ready to leave this world...that she was tired. She wanted to go. She began talk of "everyone". She had seen everyone last night.

"I saw everyone last night."

"Aunt D, who is everyone?"

" Everyone."

"Can you name some of the people you saw?"

" Momma" (my grandmother)

" You saw Gran?

" Yes"

"Who else?"

" Gus" ( my father)

" Kisha" (her daughter, my 3 yr old cousin killed by a drunk driver in 1985)

" Carl" ( her brother, my uncle that died the same year)

"what were they doing?"

"They were all here talking"

I was quiet for a long moment, and reflected on what she was telling me and what it all meant. She shifted in the bed and said she had a message for me. I begin to think, " a message for me?" She looked at me and in a strong, lucid tone she said....

"Your father wanted me to tell you to stop crying.... there is no need for you to cry anymore. He is very proud of you. You are successful. He is very proud of you."

When she told me what he said about me crying, my eyes immediately filled with tears. No one knows that I still, to this day mourn him as I did 7 years ago. No one knows that I look at his photo everyday and wish that he was here to tell me what to do, give me hugs, change my oil, make bread. No one knows that on October 19, 1998, I suffered a broken heart.

7 years later, my heart is still broken.... but now I know he is proud of me!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Marriage...The Sinking Ship

Maybe it's just me... but I know very few happily married people. I can count one hand the number of couples that don't regret the day they said "I do." I think that is real sad! Everyday more and more of my friends are either getting hitched or knocked up or both. The married ones aren't happy. Don't they know they are REALLY making me rethink the marriage thing?

Why is everyone so eager to jump into marriage? From what I hear marriage is hard work, so why are so many running toward the altar like junkies to the pipe? What is so great about it? I have heard many horror stories lately, from the couple sleeping in separate bedrooms (who just had a child) to the couple who doesn't spend any time together and are now separated. I could go on! Was this what they were all running to? I wonder!

I had dinner with my friend K on Friday night... She smart, beautiful, level-headed and she's got her shit together. Her main goal in life is to be someone's girlfriend and then someone's wife. What I don't understand is why she is in such a hurry. Now I don't want to knock anyone's dream BUT I think that if these are your main goals in life then that is VERY sad! What happens when all that has been accomplished? Then what? There has to be more to life than being someone's girlfriend or wife! Why are you defining yourself by your relationships... or lack thereof? Women tend to do this A LOT! Why do women think that their value is somehow inherent on them being in a relationship/married? It's as if a woman could not be COMPLETELY FABULOUS unless she had a man or a ring. Pish Posh!

Sure, I want to be able to grow older with someone, and maybe one day I'll get married, but that is not the main goal in my life. I would be happy just to find someone who didn't bore the hell out of me after a couple weeks/months and could lay the pipe fairly frequently!

Whatever happened to getting to know yourself, finding out what you do and don't like and having a love affair with yourself? Whatever happened to establishing who you are first? These are essential pieces of the puzzle that need to be addressed before we start asking other people to be a part of our lives.

I am in no way a "down with love" girl. I have seen some couples get married and make it work. No doubt they are encountering the same day to day struggles as the rest, but I have to wonder if they took the time to be true to themselves before taking the plunge. I also have to wonder whether the couples having problems and friends now divorced took the time to be true to themselves.

At any rate, the whole idea of marriage to me is something akin to the Titanic... a ship going down. Maybe this view will change, but right now... it doesn't look so good.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Internet Issues, Race For the Cure, Just A Big Dope...

I am HipChick.

I am having internet issues. (I am actually posting this at work)

How is a modem unable to be detected after being detected for the last 5 months? This is the 64 million dollar question! As of Sunday night I am having these heinous dsl problems...I don't get it. I beginning to hate Verizon... especially after they seem to be unable to get the monthly billing correct!


I will not get upset, I will not cancel my service, I will not cancel my service!

Damn, don't make me cancel my service!

Saturday last, Independentgrl, Beltone and I did the Race For the Cure. Damn, it was hard to see all the people affected by breast cancer. As we were walking the race route, I could see thousands ahead of me and I must say that it was quite an emotional thing...I became teary-eyed... unbeknownst to IG and Beltone.

My aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer in stage 4. If anyone knows what that means then you know it is terminal. So being a part of this race was important to me. I walked for her and all the other women who will be diagnosed with this horrible disease... I could use a cure YESTERDAY!
Ok, I need a "Do-Over" for this entire day!

I get into the office this morning and I realize that, after turning on my computer, I am due to be in a meeting across town in 10 minutes.


So HipChick attempts to haul ass across town after explaining to Independentgrl and Beltone that I was a BIG DOPE and didn't check the schedule for the next day!


Thank G*d for 2006 vehicles! (my Solara ate up the road!) I have never driven so fast in my life ... in a car I actually owned! Definitely something for the record books! I made it in just under 23 minutes and it was raining!

I have been writing this newsletter for the team and IG actually noticed that some of the copy was missing. Hell's Bells... upon further inspection I noticed I had placed the rest of the copy off to the side ( to be deleted).

I have been the BIGGEST DOPE today! Today I have set a record. Does it get any worse?

You bet your sweet ass, kemo sabe!
Co-authoring on another newsletter, I find out that I been working on an old copy and that the newsletter is finished and ready to be put to bed.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me!

So guess who gets to write the entire newsletter for the whole organization in January? You guessed it!

Me. I think I will actually have 2 to write in January. So if all of a sudden I just drop off the face of the earth, look for me in the bathroom... maybe you'll actually catch me before I slit my wrists!

Big Dope!