Who Are You, Anyway?

I walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep...nobody's really seen my million subtleties...

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Regrets and "I Told You So" Part 1

An old friend, Swiss ( I call him that 'cause he's a watch fanatic) came to visit "the villa" (the name I've given my apt.). Now this old friend is from college, and is now married to his college sweetie (CS).
Here's some background.
In college, Swiss and his best friend from HS, and me and my 2 best friends all hung out together...constantly. We smoked doobies, drank Guinness and Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, listened to Bob Marley, and watched reruns of Good Times. We were all inseparable. Those were the best of times. We were introduced by my then next door neighbor, "ill-Willy" from Philly. Our relationship has always been...interesting. He called me a nerd and a bookworm. I called him a slacker. It was all in great fun. I never thought my life could get any better. We all knew about CS, had even met her on several occasions, but she was never as cool as we were. We were family. We all graduated from college and scattered to the 4 winds but Swiss and I remained in touch, me being his only link with the other girls. I moved to Cali and back, we would catch a happy hour here and there, or beer festival. We weren't in school anymore we had jobs etc. He was still dating the CS, had just bought his first car, and was still living at home. He was finding his way. I fully expected him to call me up and say he was moving into his own pad.

Although our relationship had been platonic...at one point, (damn!, ok, he was my first! Don't ask it's another post entirely)we did become intimate. However, we managed to remain friends even when we were no longer intimate. Our affair was brief but very intense and passionate. I broke it off because I felt weird about him still being involved with his girlfriend ( I was young, inexperienced, and maybe even a bit reckless then). Through it all we remained friends... good friends. Swiss was there for me when my father passed away. That's a real friend. He never tried to cross the boundary I had placed on our relationship.
After my Dad's passing, I checked out socially for a few months... no phone calls, no going out, no nothing. I needed time to mend my broken heart( this has yet to happen, by the way). Swiss called constantly, leaving voice mails to see what was up and to check on me... to tell me some important news. I didn't call back right away, but one day I finally did. Swiss shared the "good news" that he was getting married. Needless to say I was surprised, even a little confused. Swiss was WAY TOO YOUNG to be getting married. I asked why the hurry...another bomb..." "we just closed on a house." I'm thinking "is she knocked up?"

Now you may ask why I was confused about this "good news". The confusion was due in part to some of the discussions we (the family)had back in the old college days about how the CS wasn't real fond of the sex act. Knowing what he had shared with all of us, I was wondering why he would form a union with someone the complete opposite of himself in that particular area. So Swiss was engaged, bought a house and was getting married soon... all in one phone call. I was floored! Over the course of the next couple months ( as the big day came closer and closer), the REAL story ( or his side of it) begins to come to the surface.

1. CS gave him the "we've been together x years, it's time we got married" speech.
2. Her parents gave them the down payment on the house- he had nothing to do with it.
3. Swiss feels trapped...He knows he should back out/postpone but the invitations have gone out.He feels "stuck."
4. Swiss feels deeply for someone else...ME!

Well, what's a girl to say...especially when she feels the same as he does but pushed it aside long ago, (because prior circumstances hadn't been right) trying to do the "right thing?" I did what any real friend would do given the circumstances. I asked him if taking this huge step was what he REALLY wanted to do. His reply of "feeling stuck" was voiced again.

It was then that I knew it was all a mistake...he was making a BIG mistake!
Knowing everything about his feelings for the whole thing...the wedding, the house...me, Swiss had a decision to make. A choice, if you will. He could choose someone he wasn't truly compatible with, or he could choose me... the one person who understood and accepted all his quirks, bad habits, and craziness and didn't want him to change who he was.

March of '99, he made his choice...It wasn't me.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

"My Biological Clock is Ticking"

We can all name at least one woman we know over 30 who has recited this line at one time or another. We hear it and we think, "uh-oh, she's ready to have babies and become a momma." This is the line I got from the Chef yesterday as I inquired about whether I'd be getting twice daily cleaning of my pipes . His confirmation was followed by, "cause my biological clock is ticking."

WTF? You have got to be f*cking kidding me! Isn't that supposed to be my line? I almost fell off the sofa.

What clock? Do men have clocks too? This is too weird, I feel like I'm in some alternate universe. The response I got was " no man will ever admit that he wonders about whether he will marry and have a family. Especially with the changing roles of women. Women are a lot more independent now and many aren't looking to move headlong into marriage and family."
You're damn right we're not!

Some of us don't want to be tied down with husbands and diapers and soccer games. Now I can't speak for every woman, but I can certainly speak for myself when I say, "I'm in no rush."
Here's the thing... I'm selfish! (at least I'm honest about it) I've been taking care of myself for so long, that's all I know how to do. The times where I actually took care of other people... I got paid for it (albeit peanuts). I would never have taken the job at the Non-Profit That Keeps on Taking as a volunteer. I'm not sure I'm even cut out for the motherhood thing. So far, what I've seen is that it's a total crapshoot, and the odds suck! And I'm a bettin' woman!

The Chef is the first ( and probably only) man that will admit he worries about having a family. I never thought I'd hear a man say such a thing. It just goes to show that you never know with men, you just never know!

In the meantime, he should stop listening to his ticking biological clock and turn up the radio or something!

Monday, April 25, 2005

How Do You Really Feel About Things?

This seems to be the question I get a lot these days. To answer, I often say "what things?" If you ask a vague question, you'll get a vague answer, pal. This question annoys the hell out of me especially when it is asked via e-mail. Like couldn't you get up the balls to ask me when you we were in bed together and you were screwing my brains out? I'm going to hazard a guess and say the "things" are our relationship. What does one say? Maybe, "I think things are OK, but you really need to trim your nails 'cause my tweet can't take all your digging?"Or what about "things would be wonderful if you came to clean my pipes at least 2 times a day!" Is this too much to say to someone who is constantly wondering how things are going? Would I offend?

Honestly, I'm not looking to analyze it to death (that's why I've got TG!)! I just want to bask in the glow of primal lust for awhile and see where it leads me. When I think about things too much that leads to trouble. Right now I just want good times, shameless fun, and someone to flash around at office parties.

This is not to say that I DON'T want the ring and the 2.5 kids, the chocolate Lab and the green E320. Nay, I'm just saying I'm in no hurry to become leg-shackled and knocked up!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Finding The Purple Bra

About a month ago I went on-line and purchased a couple of colorful bras. Why is this important? Well partly because prior to that point, the only color bra I consistentl bought was black. Yeah, had a flesh colored and a white bra because our mothers teach us we need at least one of these. But black was the color of choice for bras and undies. So I'm on the web and I purchase 3 bras in the following colors: mineral green, purple, and green/gold combo. They finally arrive via UPS and they look as gorgeous as they did on the website. I was exstatic about them.
I immediately removed all the tags and placed them in my already overflowing undie/bra drawer. As time went on, I wanted to wear the bra since I had recently bought matching undies to wear with it (in the same shade no less) but was unable to locate it in the drawer. WTF? How do you lose a bra? It's either dirty and in the hamper or it's clean and in the drawer! A bra that you just bought and never worn does not just disappear. Something was very wrong. I looked everywhere... in the box that it was shipped in, in the trash ( I know this sounds weird), in the closet, in an empty suitcase. I looked everywhere... but no purple bra! Knowing it would eventually it would surface, I moved on with the day to day activities of living. But every once in a while I would lift up the edges of my dust ruffle and look under the bed, just hoping the bra would surface. Alas to no avail.
Well my luck shifted on Saturday morning because as I was packing up my bedroom tchotckes I noticed something purple in my line of vision. It was the purple bra peeking from underneath the bottom of my chest of drawers. Well what do you know, it had fallen out of the top drawer (while inside the drawer) to the bottom of the chest.

I had found the bra!

Don't ya just love it when things fall into place?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Too Good To Be True

If something is too good to be true, it usually is. We've all heard this before countless times and yet one always thinks there is the slight chance "too good to be true" will actually pan out. Why? Do we need it to brighten up our otherwise dreary existence? Are we all suckers for a happy ending? Possibly. Perhaps it is the besting of all the nay-sayers that spurs us to reach for the proverbial carrot. Maybe it is our thinking "it could happen" that drives us into the shallow pool of "too good to be true" only to drown. "Why not me?" we ask ourselves as we try to attain what others have dubbed the impossible dream.

Is it so wrong to want these things?

I'm no different than the next man in wanting a little happiness. I have often commiserated with some friends on what seems to be, for the lot of us, the illusive thing called happiness. That is not to say that we are not happy with our day to day lives. No, I'm speaking more of the happiness that comes with one's overall existence. A feeling of happiness in the majority of the areas of your life. Maybe contentment is better word. I don't know. What I see is a group of AMAZING women that somehow overall happiness has eluded. Some of them complain and are very vocal about it, while others are quietly raging against the machine. Others are content to wait for what everyone calls the happy ending, and some have given up on every truly finding it.
I don't know much about the mysteries of the universe. What I do know is that we are entitled to some happiness... On every level! I don't want to go throughout life thinking happiness for me is something that will always be "too good to be true".

When will it be our turn?

Friday, April 08, 2005

I Am Socially Unavailable

As of 10PM this evening, I am socially unavailable to all men. Don't call me to invite me over for sushi, don't cook me dinner. Don't tell me you want to rub my feet, don't tell me my rack looks hot in that shirt. I'm not listenig to any of it. I try not to be a "down with love girl", but guys are just FUCK- UPS! Every guy I've ever known has at some point or another done something to ruin a good thing. Why do they do this? I'll never understand.

My good friends,ThatGirl and Independentgrl have written numerous times about trust and trust issues. We all have them, including myself. I too have a difficult time trusting men because historically, I've seen that they are all full of SHIT! My usual MO is to not give a shit, b/c I never really wanted to be bothered anyway. I am notorious for just not caring. But what happens when you begin to slightly care? I'll tell you what happens, MEN FUCK UP! Then we women with trust issues are back to square one. So.....


I need to be because if not, then I can't be held liable for what might come out of my mouth! I could say anything and likely it won't be pretty.I am VERY good at spewing venom when the mood strikes me! I need to focus on me, my move and getting my own life together. I will not become a cliche, I will not call, I will not e-mail. I will take TG and IG's advice and let him call me. I will remember the words of the wise Mother That Annoys (MTA),"let him long for you". I will follow all this sage advice because I know it is good for me as well as my sanity, but I never thought I'd be playing these kind of mind games with men at this stage in my life. I thought I was past this and finally hanging out in the "executive washroom" of maturity. Oh well,so much for that. So I guess...


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Is It Me or Am I getting a Mixed Signal?

I got the weirdest phone call from the Chef. Ok, the Chef is this guy I've been dating for the past 2+ months. He originally lived in NC and moved back to this area. We met at his best friends party and have been dating ever since. Last night I came home from work and was completely wiped. I needed a nap something fierce. I slept for about 2.5 hours and awoke around 9:45pm. Still groggy from sleep, my phone rings and of course it's the Chef. The voice on the other end says"what's up? I'm going to bed and I'll call you tomorrow." WTF? I must be crazy or something. Why the f*ck call me if you're not going to talk? Why not just save it for tomorrow?why call at all? If I didn't hear from you then I didn't hear from you. DO NOT call me to tell me you can't talk because you're going to bed! What the f*ck were you doing all evening?
I can honestly say that I am pissed off about this! Why you ask,fellow bloggers? I am pissed b/c I did not talk to this guy at all last week except for Monday 3/28! Now he's pulling this shit! Ok, so what is going on? The excuse I got for last week was "I was asleep." Ok, it's possible but what's your excuse this week? Oh boy, this guy better get his shit together! QUICKLY!
His Best Friend (BF) told me that he said he needed "me time". OK, you need "me time", I can understand that, but no phone calls at all? If he really wants alone time, I can provide that. I 'm not interested in a guy who has to be pushed and prodded to nuture a relationship. BF says that he needs an occasional push, that he needs someone to help him, a foot in the ass, etc. All he needs is a strong woman. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA! Get your shit together, pal!
Why am I up in arms about this? Well, partly b/c we communicated quite a bit when he lived further away. Now I'm getting a phone call about once a week. This will not do!
Am I getting mixed signals? Has the game changed? What's going on? Is he getting scared? Am I too much for him?
Is the fairy tale over?

Finding My Way

I am the woman! I have landed the coolest digs, at a reasonable price and now I can do what I love....SHOPPING! The hunt for an apartment is officially over. YEAH! Move-in day will be April 15th. I can't wait! I have started the process of downsizing and getting rid of stuff that I no longer use. I've also started gathering the boxes that I never unpacked and putting them in a central location. I am so tired of living out of boxes. It will be nice to be able to unpack and put stuff someplace.
Now that I have this great place, I can begin the journey of furnishing it to my liking and getting down to the business of settling in. I feel great! I finally get my own place! Now all I have to do is give it a name....More on that later.